In my work as sexual healer I am gifted with many moments of beauty, deep connection to source and insights that seem worth sharing from time to time.
In this blog, I’d like to speak from the place of intuition, from our ancient body wisdom, from the place of remembering the energetic flows of our body and honouring our aliveness as sexual.
Life energy is sexual energy, being alive is an intensely erotic experience. Through our senses we connect and interact within the body and in all our interaction, reaction, exchange and response to all that is outside of our physical body. All our senses are the interface between our ‘land’ and the rest of the universe, and the place where the Devine manifest into recognizable being within us.
As a woman, I am privileged to work with men willing to journey into exploring greater authenticity, healing and ownership of their life force, their core masculinity and their sexual energy.
One of the elements in this, as well as the work of many sexual awareness and consciousness paths, is the dis-entanglement of the association of orgasm and ejaculation in men. The two are not the same. This is common knowledge in many places in the world, but in the West we are only just re-awakening to this fact.
For me, in essence, this un-coupling is a practice in presence, a letting go of the drive to chase arousal, and instead surrender to the expression of the flow of erotic, alive, sensual, sexual energy in the body.
As we in our society haven’t got the advantage of an upbringing or a culture in which this is a natural part of sexual exploration and initiation, the unlearning of the habit to ejaculate at the same time (or around the time) of orgasm can take considerable effort and dedication.
The gains are well worth it of course, and a relaxing into the ecstatic state which expands us as humans beyond our normal experience of who we are as beings, one of the great gateways into meeting and experiencing the Devine, is re-opened.
The great wellbeing, often experienced as bliss resulting from this expanding, answers a deep longing, which, when unmet, manifests as a dissatisfaction, a hunger, a restless search for the filling of the place of lack with something from the outside, be it pleasure, possessions, new romance, drugs or other addictions.
The sacred space that flows in our body when we listen, when we follow and are in tune with our life energy, which is sexual, brings us into experiencing a deep home coming, a state of being which is the opposite of doing; no goal, no need, a fullness which nourishes the body and radiates out peacefully, with all the benefits this brings to us, our relationships and to life on the planet.
Because our sexual instincts are so wonderfully primal (part of our survival impulses), and because we are habitual beings, it is often at a certain point in the awakening of consciousness in men (often triggered by a crisis of the soul), that it is no longer possible to hide the patterns of wounding in the expression of their sexuality, and this journey, which can look differently for different people, starts in a new, more profound way.
There is now greater understanding, through the findings of modern science, around the addictive effects of the hormones released by ejaculation, in particular what the effects of dopamine in the brain chemistry are and which patterns are therefore set in motion.
These addiction patterns, in tandem with our habitual nature, create a hard habit to break. What this means is, that anything we do, e.g. at the time of orgasm, becomes associated. For example, if we chewed instead of ejaculated when orgasm is reached, we’d have to chew each time we came.
At the same time, it is also becoming more clearly into consciousness how, in the relationship patterns between men and women, ejaculation is drawn unconsciously by women: a power game of the sub-conscious layers of our relating. The unmet places and unspoken patterns in a relationship often find their only outlet in sex, which is why many relationship problems manifest as sexual dis-satisfaction or dis-function.
And so the scene is set.
Women have unlearned how to hold the tender beautiful soft glide into landing after a man orgasms (and/or ejaculates): we can no longer feel his wave and guide him into surrendering to the flow in his body and full incorporation of the energetic field. Men follow their addiction and miss the gentle expansion into riding the orgasmic wave of woman to their own multi orgasmic bliss. Men and women have become goal and performance driven sex engines, seeking always ‘more’ in response to the deep hunger for fulfillment which is fed by endless media stories of how to ‘do it’ better or more adventurously.
Always driving the chase of the arousal, of the excitement in the body, and the tightening of energy around that in the body, which sure enough will result in an increase in the intensity of experience in the moment. It also re-creates the need for greater intensity the next time as the numbing of tissues and subtle energy bodies continues. So, caught in a perpetual loop, what do we do to be free?
The skills and practices necessary to re-learn how to surrender to your essence and to be free from the addiction of chasing your arousal and instead be fully present, is an essential and, at the same time, simple process. For men wanting to live more consciously and in a greater state of presence, ejaculation control is an important part of that journey.
There are many ways to explore this field, Tantra and Tao-ist practices and meditations being the most obvious.
However, what I am seeing is the risk of these essential skills becoming the next state of doing, again, removing the man from the place of experiencing his state of being. The very word: ‘Ejaculation Control’ holds the key to this contradiction in terms. Conscious ejaculation would be my preferred terminology, though still it implies more of a state of ‘doing’ rather then a ‘being present with’.
There are certainly places where ‘never ejaculate’, or only do so when wanting to pro-create, is not advocated. Instead the learning is to be conscious around your ejaculation, to choose it and fully enjoy the flight, including the landing (which can take many hours).
What I am finding is that men who have re-trained themselves to dis-associate ejaculation from orgasm might have a period of time of experiencing their ejaculation as less powerful then before. There is good medical evidence confirming this experience around a weakening of the muscle tissues in and around the prostrate/urethral sponge if ejaculation is withheld over a prolonged period of time.
There is also anecdotal evidence of pain or tension in the testicles experienced by men practicing non-ejaculation orgasm, particularly when doing so by themselves. Perhaps the old myth of ‘Blue Balls’ holds some truth?
In my experience there is a correlation between the inner clitoric tissues in the deeper layers of a woman’s body, especially where these meet and surround the urethral sponge and this tension or pain in the testis.
In a woman, a build up of un-released energy in these tissues, (energy which is orgasmic, and which often, though not always, releases as ejaculation in women) leads to urinal tract irritation or even infection. It is of little surprise to me then that, if the erotic energy is not circulated in the body and released from the ‘storage tissues’, irritation, pain or other problems may arise.
A man’s balls are highly sensitive energetic receptors and express feelings; they are cyclical in nature and in fact very subtly in tune with the ovaries of the women in the life of the individual man. Testicals are trying to tell us something about the inner emotional landscape and experiences the individual is having. They have a strong voice of wisdom in the body and, like the yoni in women, carry the emotional memory of wounding. Most men are cut off from the energy and power of their balls in one way or another. No wonder pain is often experienced in them for no apparent medical reason.
Actually, when I connect to a man’s balls, from the fullness of my womb space, radiating the ovarian energy field, which is of a star-like quality and full of life force, what I meet is a swirling energy, a deep pulse which feels like the energy of that which moves the stars.
The energy with spins the universe lives in the balls of men.
This energy is both stillness and motion, it is not to be dammed in or contained, it is meant to spin, circulate, expand and contract. It resonates with the great pulse of the universal: in and out breath which spins the cosmos.
I am in awe of this beauty, this power, and feel the delicious dancing of my star-light energy field in recognition.
In deep honouring of what I perceive as truth in my body, I’d like to offer this finding as an invitation into deeper exploration of who we are in the body, and to be careful with the delicate energy field of the balls, which includes ejaculation or ‘injeculation’ (where the energetically absorption as supposed to expulsion occurs). I’d like to hold space for the exploration of the releasing of patterns and the full honouring of the gift that is the sexual dance between men and women, help the relearning of our magic body wisdom, to facilitate and honour relaxing into the orgasmic wave whether including ejaculation or not.
As with the reclaiming and re-discovery work of the beautiful energetic dance in a female body, there is much to be discovered for men, and a greater tenderness both with them selves (inner) and in relationships (outer) with their balls, including listening to the deep wisdom of ejaculation, is required in the healthy evolution of the expression of our sexual energy